Itchy in my Skin

One of the things I hated about my various forays into graduate school (see "slow learner" in the dictionary) was the omnipresent, nagging feeling that I should always be doing something other than what I was, at that moment, doing. The world of knowlege was so huge, and the people I was with knew so much, and the standards were so high. . . let's just say that when I made an executive decision to run far, far away from any doctoral degree, I heaved enormous sighs of relief.

So now I find myself marginally employed, gifted with four wonderful children, deeply engaged in numerous interesting avocations, and I'm feeling. . . like there's always something else I should be doing.

Whether I'm nursing a baby, reading to the kids (okay, not so much with this -- I'm sort of Zen about that, thank goodness), vacuuming, knitting, working online, I'm fighting the monkey voice in my head. Nonstop chattering, offering not very supportive analyses of what I am doing or accomplishing, pushing me to hurry, hurry hurry. I am so tired of this.

Perhaps it's because I am tired. Perhaps it's because I set ridiculously high standards for myself. Perhaps it's because I have to make a choice every stupid second of every day about what to do next, what to prioritize, how to accomplish what must be done to keep body and soul together versus what makes keeping it together worthwhile. And the stakes feel unaccountably high. I don't think parents are responsible for their children's outcomes, but I do feel like I'm responsible for the kind of parent I am. I don't think I'm up to it. At least not recently.

Well, lying on the couch and weeping isn't a workable possibility. So, instead of finishing the fix on the lace throw or working more on the cabled scarf for the ISE3 (which I've decided to alter for more drapiness but NOT rip out -- trying to make the monkey quiet), I did some other things yesterday.

Did you know that "ciabatta" is Italian for "slipper"? Apparently Italians like their slippers flat:


And I took a nice lambswool/angora/nylon Gap sweater


and made it into something worth running away with.


Here's a quieter shot.


I'm probably going to undo the bottom and turn it 90 degrees, so the handles face the other way. I also decided to only use thrift store sweaters for diaper covers. The monkey and I agree: I don't knit fast enough to knit bum bags anymore.